dark dreams and dark desires

i recently saw 'law abiding citizen' starring gerrard butler and jaime fox. and it is an amazing movie. for the blood thirsty chick in me, dismemberment, and bombs does me good. the higher the body count the more i am satisfied. but i think i got too much satisfaction out of it. because when poetry guy and i walked out into the sunshine i said this.

"what he did makes complete sense to me"

and i wasn't even lying. for those of you that have not seen it, and intend to, leave now *spolier alert*. he (gerrard) was so black and white in what he did, and as twisted as it is, i could see his point. when his family was brutally murdered he was wronged by the justice system, and he wanted to teach it a lesson, kill everyone involved with the case. as simple as that. mind you, his point took the lead over his common sense in the end which is why his ass got napalmed, but he had a point nonetheless.

and it got me thinking, could i be as cold blooded as him? my mind is already quite black and white with very little room for the gray, and i pride myself on being able to shut off all feelings when needed to.

i watch a lot of crime drama, gruesome physcological films, and i am obsessed with true crime novels. i have gotten so used to the bloodbath, that i've always had fanstasies of taking a life. not out of anger, or self defense, but simply just to see what it felt like. (can you tell i watch too much tv). the thought of watching someone's life leave their body does not turn me on but it sparks my curiousity.

gerrard's character was always a killing machine, working as a spy killing those that could not be killed, but when his family was murdered, he friggin snapped, and literally shut down the city due to his murderous rampage. he racked up serious bodies. i'm not sure however what it will take me to kill someone.

how far do i need to be pushed? what's my breaking point?

should i even ponder it, especially in my dreams, and dark desires? at night i'm allowed to envision the blood and the fear, but in the light that's clearly not allowed. and that really is a good thing, because i'm not planning on taking a life, and the thought that i may be capable of it scares the shit out of me. why? because i'm the one always postive, always laughing, always willing to help those who need it. i love everyone, even those who are deemed unloveable, and i think no one deserves to have their life taken away by murder. but when the sunsets, and i settle in my bed, my mind wanders........

*i believe being honest, is being honest, even with the ugly, dutty parts of who you are, and this is pondered in all honesty.*

.kisses.