so i've been up for about 2 weeks now. i never feel so vulnerable as i do when i am in this state..... sleepless, dreamless, and pissed...lol. people ask me 'are you ok'? and i tell them 'no'. they ask me what's wrong, and i try to explain it, but it's not something people understand, i mean how can i explain to someone why i was crying because i couldn't keep the cold side of the bed, or that it took me 5 min to remember how to spell 'the'. shit! i need to sleep. i'm crazy when i don't sleep for a period of time. i tried explaining it to poetry guy, and i felt like he made it smaller than it was.. ' well promise me you'll get some sleep '. believe me if it was that easy, i wouldn't be here writing about it. but i've come to realize that somethings you have to go through alone, because no one understands, and no matter how much they try, they won't. stayed home today because it has started to affect my job, trying not to go anywhere, because i'm falling asleep at the wheel almost side swiped a truck coming home tuesday night(morning). i can feel myself breaking down.... i can see myself, and i'm different. it might take me a while to come back from this.
thank you to E! for thinking of me, and sending this song.
poetry guy once told me, a big part of his attraction to me is because i am a writer, more specifically a poet.... i wonder if i stopped writing if he would stop calling.
here i am at 2:05 am fiending... damn it.... i always said this would never, could never be me.... but life sure has a way of making a fool out of you....
this day last week was my first open mic performance at the trane studio, a wicked spot in enviable downtown toronto. i was nervous, shaking, and fiending for a hollywood dragg, but when he called my name, i walked up, smiled, blinked in the glaring light and changed the course of my life forever. so in tribute of that moment, here is the poem i shared....
i have an addictive personality, it has taken me a while to come to terms with it, but i recognize that now. and i also recognize that i am addicted to poetry guy....lol. addicted to his eyes, beautiful eyes, addicted to his smile, the feel of his ear between my fingertips, the texture of his hair on my palm. i'm addicted to his body, to his touch, to the way he calls me baby... damn it. he makes me mad as hell, i could walk away, but when we are not together my world feels messed the hell up. i am addicted. to. you.
it is 7:03 am and i am still awake.... and sick. for those who do not know me, i am a chronic insomniac, been dealing with it for about 10 years now, i thought i had defeated it, and that the madness was over.... but now i know that is what it wanted me to think. and now it is 7:04 am and i am still awake.... and still sick. eric benet serenading me, my snails relaxing, and my mind is running wild and rampant.... and my mind rests on the absence of light.
the darkness doesn't scare me, i know people say that evil hides in the dark, but the dark can also bring a peace, serenity, an escape from the harsh lights and noises of movement. even when sleep doesn't come, darkness settles you down and allows you to think, to recollect the day, all you did wrong and all you did right. in the darkness i think about life, and love, i write a lot in the darkness, and the words calm me down... sometimes i am able to fall asleep after i write, i daydream in the darkness and find my release in the darkness.
don't always run from the darkness, be aware of it, don't be naive to it, and in some cases embrace it.... you will be very surprised to see what comes alive.
my first post. what the hell am i supposed to say? i'm not as nervous now, to have a blog, although i am torn between reality and my world. in reallity, i know i can't say whatever i want to say, however i want to say... is that okay with me... no, no it's not. i want to be able to write whatever i want to write. without any accountability, i want to speak freely, but that is only poosible in my world, and apparently i am the only one who lives there...lol. or so poetry guy tells me. so in an attempt to converge both worlds together, i will share with you my poetry, my truth, my words, my loves, and my ecstasy's. i do hope you enjoy, i do hope it makes you feel good, and above all i do hope you are able to make a trip to my world, maybe then i won't feel so lonely.