back to my roots.... mr. goudas

>> 10.31.2009

after much deliberation, i have decided to give up my vegetarian lifestyle. it's only been a year and a few months and as much as i loved every minute of it, i realized it was doing me more harm than good.

'yeah finally my prayers have been answered... so when do we go out to eat red meat'

going into this my doctor told me it was not a wise choice seeing that i have anemia (very very very low iron), and i thought to myself 'i can handle it', i did my research, and was completely gung ho, making the change not out of conviction, or pictures of slaughtered animals, but simply i had wanted a change.

but a lot has changed in a year and a few months, i have stopped cooking for myself which means that my healthy meals, and important supplements were not being eaten. i became very fatigued in my body and sluggish in my mind, despite keeping active and semi working out, i lost my (well paying job), and just an FYI maintaining a vegetarian lifestyle quite expensive, not to mention limiting.

@ Willy's Jerk 'no, no veggie dinners'.

going out to eat is always a challenge, and i sometimes felt bad being the picky girl, or the girl who ruined dinner plans because ' i'm sorry, i can't eat there'. my mom, from the beginning didn't really mind cooking meals for me, but granted it was challenging attending to my dietary needs as well as her family' when i told her, she was sooo happy.

is this regression permanent? i don't think so. i may go back once my body goes back to normal, and i start working again, but for now i am looking forward to my white rice and bully beef dinners.



>> 10.30.2009

i'm feeling very horny today. reels of fantasies and dreams assault my sleep, and i want to touch myself again and agian and again. the smooth ride i gave myself earlier was nice, but ohhh i'm fiending for a flick against my clit. i'm craving (asl class) a hard dick, a bumpy ride and nice slowww whine. to be really honest i just need to get **laid***.

i even had a dream about being the other woman, much to Red's delight. read about it here. and it was such a juicy dream, him giving it to me in the back of his car, me holding on to his baby girls carseat. i woke up wet and ready to caress, but i held off.

"'re like a man, u think bout sex like every 3 seconds" poetry guy... so yummy.

flicking through my phone i land on a pic that the cleveland indian sent me of his dick.... a few minutes and i come to the conculsion that i am unimpressed. however not before i think about taking him up on his offer " friends with benefits", except he has feelings for me, and undoubtdly would try to win my heart by rocking my world.

sigh, what's a horny freak to do? finger myself all day? for now i'll keep dreaming.

damn i miss Smooth.



i feel like i haven't blogged in forever.... here's something i found in a mag and i had to take a picture of it.

we are all unique and incomparable, no two people are alike, and i'm in love with that.
continue to be your amazing selves.


i thought i told ya....

it's funny. as creative as i am, i am a very technical thinker. very black and white (which annoys the hell out of some people)

*this morning as i was driving home, it began to rain, well sprinkle really, and it sprinkled what looked like stars on my windshield, and it reminded me of a thought i had a few months ago.*

i hate when people tell me things, just to make me feel better. our culture, and our society are full of little sayings that achieve that 'feel better' feeling.

'you can touch the sky'
'reach for the stars'
'the sky is the limit'

but really....contemplation brought me to this end: no matter how hard i try, i will never physically touch a star.

why is that in order to describe potential we use the physically impossible. granted these sayings may inspire someone, but have we ever stopped to think that it may not. telling someone they can do what they really can't do is not encouraging at all, because when the motivational high has wore off, and the high fives have all gone around, we are left with people trying to grab a piece of the blue falling off roof tops and office buildings, and failing each time. failure becomes the end result and our little sayings are shot to hell.

i want you to tell me what i can do. help me to see my potential is for something great. everyone has potential to be something great, no one is lacking, we are all so different and unique and i believe that we are not all accidentally here, but there is such a greater purpose to our lives.

but do not tell me that i can be whatever i put my mind to, loose screws will lay in a field barking like a dog intent on growing fur.

what i'm saying is realism doesn't always stop my dreams, it may help me see things clearer. reaching for the sky just gives me rain clouds and pollution, but reaching for the greatness inside will propel me to be all that i can truly be. a star..... shining when everything around me is dark. shining with purpose, and intelligence. shining with ambition, motivated by the other stars shining around me. shining simply because that is what i do. why reach for one when i have the potential to be like one. bright, boasty, and there for all to see.

imma star.


my week in texts

>> 10.26.2009

: baby, i told you, do me, lemme make some sense of you.

: words fill my mouth..becoming real to me, video is deep, like it just your voice, good for you!

:... you know what, if i did get you at that time, you would have been my first love.

: please tell me why i'm watching some judge show, and there's black people there suing their bredren for a stolen ipod, and they're all hefty.

: Wow, they're talking about stealing foodstamps from each other LOL!!!! this has gotta be the best judge show ever wow!! Lol

: how come you don't sex me sorry i mean text.

: oh woman

: you were on my mind for a minute so im sayin wassup, don't want anything tho, jus sayin hi lol that was soooo gay, later.

: Wow, so i guess you erased my number? don't know why tho. and yea it's me.



>> 10.25.2009

do men ever forget?

what i felt like
what i tasted like
the way my ass bounced on the bed
the way it felt in between their teeth
the way i moaned at the first entry, eyes rolled back, nails leaving marks on their back
the way i made them feel good. i made them feel like men.
the way i talked to them and soothed their emotions after a long hard day.
the way i held their hand so their boys can see what they got.

why is it that when my life is going good, the men from my past always want to 'catch up'. clearly i've moved on if i am not the one calling you. now i must admit, there have been a few that have really made an impact on my life, and consequently have been hard to let go, but i've done it, i've moved on, kicking and screaming maybe, but i've moved on....

now i'm not trying to toot my own horn and declare that i am the shit (even though i am), but it just seems like men always want back in. now being a woman, and a naive one at that, i don't understand why.... is it out of boredom on their part, should i feel flattered or feel like a random number on a list of candidates? i've contemplated changing my phone number, but i never do it, i've had the same number for years, and until i get a bonafide stalker i probably never will.

but no matter what the reasoning for the random phone calls, texts, msn im's, i've moved please do the same.



me in 18

>> 10.21.2009

i saw this on http://technicolor, and i loved it, so i decided to give it a try.

:1: MY EX- is still one of the most amazing men i know
:2: MAYBE I SHOULD- kiss her
:3: I LOVE- writing, sleeping and having my clit licked
:4: PEOPLE WOULD SAY THAT I'M- a good listener

:5: I DON'T UNDERSTAND-ignorant people
:6: WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING- i want to touch myself, and then go back to bed
:7: I LOST- my innocence, yet i'm still naive
:8: LIFE IS FULL OF- interesting randoms... gotta love the randoms

:9: MY PAST IS- what pushes me towards my future
:10: I GET ANNOYED WHEN- men can't take no for an answer...sooo annoying
:11: PARTIES ARE- sooo unimpressive
:12: I WISH- i was still a virgin
:13: DOGS- must be pissed at human bitches and dogs for giving them a bad rap

:14: CATS- must be laughing at the
:15: TOMORROW- i will sleep in
:16: I HAVE LOW TOLERANCE- for ignorant people
:17: IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS- i would pay of my parents bills, travel the world,
and build a youth home
:18: IM TOTALLY TERRIFIED- of living an unhappy life


my week in texts

>> 10.18.2009

:"the course of true love, never did run smooth" - William Shakespeare - simply love has it's ruff patches ups n downs n stuff.

:no, no i LOVE sex not work.

:can i steal something off your blog page and put it on my facebook? lol

:u were superb 2nite ;-) xoxo

:ok, here goes...i did it in the park!!!

:ok. but as your friend and some one who tells you they love you i must be. we have had too many good times on earth not to share it in eternity. love you my friend.

:there is always hope.

:whatever your just acting tuff kool guy, i knew you weren't talking bout me cause if you needed my brief i'd let you borrow it still....

:lolll i'm seeing him this week, he's greek. i will ride him.



lipstick and lube: the other woman

>> 10.16.2009

let me ask you a question. do i have 'the other woman' written on my forehead in lipstick and lube?

'so you want me to be your mistress?'

i met this guy, we'll call him Red. Red was smooth, very smooth. and a really nice guy, with a really nice smile. so me being the me that i am, walked smoothly over to Red and introduced myself.

'no i want you to be on my team. be my confidant...'

Red and i became fast friends, with an obvious sexual attraction breathing like that girlfriend who's always the 3rd wheel. lunchs, emails, we grew close.

'so you want me to be your chick?'

and then Red told me he was 'domesticated'... what the fuck? domesticated?! yes and with a beautiful child at home. at that very moment, my girlfriend became an annoyance and i told her we could no longer be friends.

'...appreciate the fact that i was real with mine'

months have gone by, and while Red and i have remained close, and have gotten closer, that line thick and yellow bears no smudges, no evidence of being crossed.

until he said after many months of me saying no...
'doesn't matter cause you know i still want you'

and the worst part about it.... i actually thought.... 'umm why not?'

hold up, i know why not! as much as i don't know wifey from eve, she's a fellow woman, a sister, someone who is in one or many ways just like me. what would i be saying to go behind a sister's back and be with her man? and aside from that 'karma is a bitch in a red dress' ( enough said.

a couple of years ago, i would have thought nothing to be the other woman, i even fantasized about it, *playing devils advocate* there are benefits to being the other woman, one being that the relationship will go nowhere. the man will rarely to never leave his fam for the other woman, and that's what some women want, the freedom of the single life with the affections and perks of a relationship. and when it ends, a clean break (sometimes not so clean though, because someone is bound to catch feelings)

'...i ain't trying to put shackles on your feet'

'i think you should do it, just try it and see'

but i'm not one of those women anymore, i wouldn't feel comfortable knowing my good friend Red is loving on me, while the mother of his child is waiting for him to come home....smelling like me, his tongue tasting like me, his fingers still tracing me, his clothes sex funky.

Red, if you were really my friend, you would cherish me, is that all i am worth to you, the title of the other woman? giving it another name, (chick, girlfriend, ride ot die) will not change the meaning of the word... slut, homewrecker, whore, kept woman.

'not even... we down for life.... you already know i enjoy your company, creativity, and spunk...we goin get it in'

'ummm... why not?'


another dose

"some people just are not meant to be your friends, and that's okay, it saves more room for those who are."



here's to bad days


i had a bad day today. head down, eyelashes caressing my pillow. my heart is hurting and i'm trying to deal, but all i can do is cry, i hate crying. but that's all i'm doing.


i hear voices ... one voice, your voice, trying to console me, but it hurts more and i attempt to cut off my ears.


no words can comfort me, no songs can sing to me, no band aids can hide the wound, no pictures can have enough mumbles.

so listless i am. until i am listless no more.

until then


>> 10.14.2009


website: lamebook

>> 10.13.2009

sooo, in my websurfer mode i came upon this deliciously funny and hilariously pathetic website. for those of us who are facebook addicts (and not ashamed of it) check out

launched in April, it's branded as 'the funniest and lamest of facebook'. filled with examples of too much information, nasty break ups and embarassing shout out's to various std's, i can so see myself staying up late at night laughing at the stupidness of the people who surround us.

check it out, laugh, cry and hope you will never see your ass on lamebook.



my week in texts

:i miss you a lot. i don't know if you feel the same, but that's how i feel.... how's class?:

:... hard as a rock and still waiting.:

:there was a really cool prof here that's a poet and a milk chocolate version of you in 40 yrs.:

:remember irv the white guy from the game? jewish guy with glasses? he's an extra in a car commercial lol funny as hell.:

:fiyahh frigin BUNN!!! why did the blind lady just light up all the sexual deviants a while ago. lol frigin ass funny.:

:you are a fantasy... cause you can't be real.:

:typical trait of an amateur smoker: allowing cigarette ash to fall onto lap unexpectedly while driving.:

:not even... we down for life... U already know i enjoy your company, creativity and spunk... we goin get it in.:

:if i had a nickel everytime i saw someone beautiful as you, i would have 5 cents.:


another dose

>> 10.12.2009

"writing is for imaginations only."


please don't make me scream at you

>> 10.11.2009

what makes me wanna scream? the first thing that came to my mind was fake people. and maybe that's because i am at a point in my life where i am the realest i've ever been. don't get me wrong, i've always been truthful to who i was at any point in my life, i always went big or went home, so in the constant evolving and sometimes revolving of time, the person i am now i have bever seen her before. she is different, from me even. she is a cussin', swearing, sex fiend, writer with an overactive imagination, down to earth-highly maintained lady (to name a few), and i am true to who i am right now.

i say that to say this: i hate fake ass people. be real or do us all a favor and go home. cause no one wants the energy of a two facer around them, that shit drags you down, and sometimes makes you question your own realness. no one should have to live two lives, and i know everyone has excuses as to why they do it ''... which are all understandable .... for you... but for me, my mantra on life is 'happiness', and i am worth more than my unhappiness for someone else's happiness. why must i live my life on someone else's terms... hell no. when they are dead and gone, who the hell am i gonna be, when my identity or my truth was wrapped up in them (confused, that's what). be real or do us all a favor and go home.


confessions of a webcam whore: fantasies rn't real honey

>> 10.09.2009

“i want to see u drip, so drip for me”

“my pussi is fkn tired, i don’t know if she can drip anymore”
“come try for me, i want to cum for u”
“she’s sore, got a work out today”
“you played with her today, or ur boy?”
smiling... “yeah, the boy”
“okay, i just want u to do that tongue thing u do while i jerk off, and ur ass clap”
“i feel like such a webcam whore, fk, not cool”
“ur not love, trust me, ur more like my web fantasy”

{i can see you smiling, it's still mesmorizing}
“uh huh, whatever.... fantasies rn’t real honey”

“u make me so hard”
“i should start making ur ass pay me”

“ur body get’s me weak”
...sigh..."i really should”
"let me take you out to dinner"
...sigh..."yeah right, no thanks"
"so this is the only way i'm gonna see you?"

“show me something love”
“give me a couple minutes”

webcam on, red light, leopard sheets, and my ass clapping for some kinda satisfaction.
feelings of liberation followed with feelings of “what the fk am i doing?”

“ur fking sexy”
smiling, no, i'm laughing.... “i fking know it”


down to earth highly maintained lady part 2

>> 10.07.2009

here we are again, back to being a highly maintained lady. this section of the list is dedicated to my gurl nat who is as insecure as they come, not sure why because she is very funny, and attractive, yet life and men have made her feel different about herself. so nat, (gurl you are the shit) this is for you.

first of all let me clarify why i am intent on referring to myself (and you) as a lady. a woman is just a girl who grew up into an adult, the world is full of women.... however the world is in a major shortage of ladies. many dictionaries describe a lady as : a well mannered and considerate woman with high standards of [proper] behaviour : that's what i believe in, once again not snobbism, because that makes you ugly, so let me describe a lady as this : a woman who is sure of herself before anyone else is, well mannered, well put together, the standard of beauty, knows what she wants, and how to get it, down to earth and highly maintained :

4::: i will always remember that i am the shit. there is no one else like me. no one else has the potential to be beautiful from the inside out like i do. i was born to live a life only i can live. that should give me comfort, but there are some days where i wake up looking like shit, and feeling like it too. should i give up, and allow my emotions to get the better of me, i could, but then my day will end up being shit. i believe that i control my day to an extent, and i with my words can determine my outcome. so when i wake up on those days, hair giving me problems, a pimple on my face, and my tummy looking a little bloated (lol), i look in the mirror, strike a a bad ass pose and tell myself "gurl you are the SHIT!"

having said that, no one can take that knowledge away from you. no man, no jealous women, no one. you are who you are, and you are who you are for a reason. too often we allow our circumstances, and our past experiences to bitch slap us in our face, and mind you not just once, but over and over and over again... when we finally emerge, our face is manipulated and full of bruises, shit, no wonder we can't be confident in who we are. no one else has the power to give us bruises unless we allow them to punch us.... over and over again.

5::: i will always remember that sexy is not in the clothes i wear but it's a mindset. ladies i am soo tired of women thinking that a tight ass pair of jeans (yeast infection worthy), a low top and high heels (they can't walk in) is what sexy is. ask any man and they will tell you that sexy is a mindset, not neccessarily an outfit. ask an self assured lady, and she will say the same thing.
now of course we as women have outfits in which we feel our sexiest, however if we don't come to the knowledge that we as ladies are sexy, the clothes will hold us hostage.

sexy is in how we walk, how we talk, our intelligence and yearning for more knowledge, our creativity, our compassion, our ability to take care of our significant other. our sexy is natural, something we are born with, and since when did you see someone born in a tight ass pair of jeans?

smooth always told me at the most random times (when i'm cotch on the bed, stomach full, and watching a movie) "you know you're sexy right"... poetry guy told me that when i am up there holding the mic, sharing my poetry "you are so sexy", not because of how i am dressed, but because i am confident and able to draw everyone into my space. ladies find your space, own your space, own your natural God-given sexy, and draw everyone into it.

6::: i will always dress to impress. stacy and clinton from tlc's 'what not to wear' have taught me something i will forever hold on to ' don't dress for where you are in life, dress for where you want to be '. once you come to the knowledge that you are the shit, once you own your God-given sexy, you will begin to look like it. ladies, let us step up the sexy, let us leave our houses in such a way that no one can mistake who we are. that doesn't mean a full face of make up (some may prefer that, but i really don't) heels and a pencil skirt at 10am, ( i am sexy in a pair of fav jeans, a fitted tee and wicked flats) it does mean however that we leave our homes looking like we know we are the shit.

::: pleaseeeeee let us comb our hair. this hits home for me especially because i wear my hair in it's natural texture, however that doesn'y give me the excuse to leave my home looking like i have no mother.

::: pleaseeeeee wear your size. OMG. wear your size. if you are a size 9, wear a size 9. keep in mind that size doesn't really matter, fit is everything. but what i'm trying to get at, is wear what fits you. if you are a size 9, you truly have no right squeezing your ass in a size 3, if you are a size 3, why the hell are you wearing a size 9? huh? why the bloody hell? also, not every trend that is thrust our way is for us. know your body, know your body shape, and what looks good on your body. shop around, and don't be afraid to put something down, because everyone else can't wait to scoop it up.

::: pleaseeeeee stop using your face as a coloring book. makeup should be worn to enhance your natural beauty, and to show forth your wicked and unique personality, not to make you look like a damn idiot.

ladies, please remember that we have no control over who we meet once we leave the non-judgemental confines of our homes. we could be bumping into a future boss, a future lover, a future client, sometimes more present than we think, and truss that people remember when you look like crap flung on a wall, people also remember and look up to you when you look like you own your life.

so ladies let us own our lives!


:::to be continued:::


perfect words

>> 10.06.2009

i hate perfect words, perfect words are what keeps me from baring my soul for what it really is... imperfectly beautiful. perfect words are what stops me from clicking on 'publish post' after the first passionate draft, and what forces me to reread.. erase...edit.. reread.. erase.. edit... you get it. perfection is what we all seem to strive for, even in our rebellion, and our riots, we try to do it perfectly. we write essays, articles and poems declaring our disdain for the socially acceptable, and the yearning to put pen to paper and let the pen do the writing from heart to hand, yet we erase and cross out when the pen crosses a line. but in the end we realize we need perfect words.....



down to earth highly maintained lady

>> 10.04.2009

ladies it is time for us to step up our game, to bring our sexy to another level, to show up and show the hell off. so in my attempt to raise my own bar, from this day on, i promise to be a down to earth highly maintained lady.

i am 26, and in the midst of finding myself, and oh what a wonderful journey it is. exposing myself to the world of spoken word, and exposing myself to art of socializing, i am doing just that, exposing myself. in the midst of my self discovery i have decided to cement who i am, or rather who i want to be. and i want to be a down to earth highly maintained lady. not neccessarily high maintenace, because that can tend to lead to snobbism, and no matter how pretty you are, once your attitude is ugly there is no hope. but we should be proud to take care of ourselves, and let other people see our fabulousity

i want to be the one who always seems like she has it together, because truthfully the world does not need to know i have crap going on in my life. so here is my list that will help me and my fellow ladies get there.

:::note::: most of the points on this list, i already follow but we are stepping up the sexy, and so i have decided to include them. these are also in no particular order.

1::: i will keep my hands and nails looking good at all time. there is nothing worse than meeting a beautiful woman for the first time and shaking her ugly, unkept hands. chipped nail polish (especially bright or dark colours), uneven and jagged nails, and hairy fingers are not attractive, and definitely can cause your sexy points to plummet. can you imagine me holding and stroaking the mic, sharing a poem about my man stroaking me, and in lust you feast your eyes on my unkept nails and hands. please say no. because i am. lotion, lotion, lotion. dry hands are a huge turn off, and something so small can really say a whole lot about you. lazy, uncommitted etc....

2::: i will keep my feet looking suckable and presentable at all times. yes i love to have my toes sucked, and my feet caressed and rubbed, and which man, wants to suck on feet that can scratch a hardwood floor. please don't tell me yours, because you know that is a lie. pedicures are our friends, and even if we cannot afford regular ones, we are more than capable of up keeping them when we get them. why live life always afraid to take off your shoes, dinner parties at your friends homes should be spent enjoying the night, not continually finding ways to hide your feet. and surprise visits should not have you scrambeling for a pair of socks. keep your feet looking presentable at all times, not only in the winter, because sexy knows no seasons.

3::: i will keep my body smooth. now body hair is a touchy subject, because there are some women who love their hairy armpits, and curly legs, i am not one of them. now i admit there are times when i will allow stubble to grow on my legs from sheer lazyness, but that has to stop. no, armpit hair is not cute, and it also allows the duttyness that is BO to dwell. for those who have significant others, your men do not want to know they may be able to cornrow and bead the hair on your body. please be maintained. if you prefer the coochie to be smooth, up keep that. and if you don't at least shave the area around the lips, because a mouth full of pussy hair is not a good look, nor a good taste or smell for that matter. please remember that hair traps odors. if you have facial hair, take care of it and keep taking care of it, no one will be able to see your potential through a mustache, beard, and ashanti side burns. eyebrows... keep those bad boys plucked, and threaded.

we are ladies for a reason, we are beautiful, we are talented, we are sexy. we are born sexy, we need to show that we are sexy. and how can we do that, by showing up and showing off why we are ladies. down to earth highly maintained ladies.

:::to be continued:::


happy vegetarian day

>> 10.02.2009

happy vegetarian day! ok, so i know i'm a day late, but i had no time to write yesterday.

i became a vegetarian on june 1, 2008, people ask me why i decided to stop eating meat, and my only answer is..... 'just because'. not because meat disgusted me, or because i saw a cow get killed in an inhumane way (i'm jamaican we saw those things all the time), i became a vegetarian because i wanted a change, really and truly as simple as that.

growing up jamaican, i lived on meat. oxtail, curry goat, bully beef, manish water (goat head soup), (yes i said goat head soup), chicken foot soup, meat was a staple, it was an insult to talk about salads and anything green except for callalloo.
yet despite my proud jamaican upbringing, i one day just stopped, and as much as i miss the bully beef and white rice (my fav dish). and the baconater from wendy's, i'm happy with my decision. i must confess in the spirit of honesty that i have fallen off the wagon a few times (count on one hand i promise), in light of that, meat just doesn't do it for me anymore. i actually enjoy making my curry tofu, and stir fry beans and veggie ground beef mix. being a vegetarian has opened up a whole new world of culinary discovery for me, i was already an adventerous eater, but this has made me so much more of one (english?)

i know someone must be thinking to themselves that i am not a real vegetarian because i am not sold out for animal rights, protesting and threatening to burn down a kfc or something, and to that i raise a celery stalk dipped in veggie dip and say 'cheers', because truthfully of all the things to fight about, food is not one of them. food was created to eat and enjoy, whether veggies or meatitarians, love food and hate war. love food... try new foods, stop eating just to shove nutriment in your mouth and actually spend time to savour and enjoy what you eat. i am always trying to entice people to join the meat free community, 'just try it for one week', because even if they go back to the bloodier side of the dish, they will go back with a new appreciation for what they eat.

so to that i say not only happy vegetarian day, but happy food appreciation day.... cheers



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