how to talk so he'll listen ::: article

>> 9.30.2009

Take our communication advice and you'll never — we repeat, never — get tuned out by your man again.

By Elise Nersesian, "Women's Health"

Ever notice how even the nicest guy can act like an insensitive dolt when you're trying to convey something important — your fear of being fired, that you're drifting apart from your best friend, even how bummed you are that the two of you have hit a sexual dry spell?
It's not that he doesn't care — really it isn't — it's just that men process information much differently than women, and as a result, your words often get lost in translation. But don't stress, the solution is simple: Learn how to speak his language. We've got great tips.

1. Talk side-by-side. If you're broaching a potentially sticky subject (stuff like your wanting to get married, or his partying too much), avoid a face-to-face conversation. "Although it seems counterintuitive, insisting on eye contact while hashing out an issue can actually make the problem worse," says Scott Haltzman, M. D., co-author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. Looking him directly in the eye can make him feel threatened — and when confronted, men instinctively kick into survival mode, triggering a fight-or-flight response. To put him at ease, talk to him while you're doing something side by side — walking, driving, eating dinner together on the sofa.

2. Cut to the chase. According to a study recently published in the journal NeuroImage, the male brain interprets men's voices as speech and women's voices as music. That's why he can easily focus when one of his buddies drones on about some lame computer game, yet has to work overtime to concentrate on your nightmare-of-a boss tale. To ensure that he hangs on your every word, make your point as quickly as possible. "Men want to get to the bare bones of the matter," Haltzman says. "So grab his attention by using direct statements such as 'Here's why I'm upset' or 'The bottom line is this.'"

3. Let him know you need to vent. When you're telling your guy about your backstabbing best friend and he looks confused, it's not because you're not explaining yourself clearly or he's slow on the uptake. Biological differences make men innate problem solvers; the furrowed brow indicates that his mind is scrambling to find a solution.
"When a woman presents a man with a dilemma, he interprets this as a request to fix her problem, not to simply listen," Haltzman says. Clue him in by letting him know what you need before you make your point. Try prefacing your story with "I just really need to get this off my chest." By telling him what you expect up front, he'll know what to do and be able to give you what you really want: his ear.

4. Stroke his ego. If it seems like every time you ask him for a favor your words go in one ear and out the other, you may need to butter him up more. Men are brimming with testosterone, which makes them competitive, and compliments help them feel important and superior. Let's say he never hangs out with your friends. Feed his ego by saying something like "You're so funny! Actually, my friends could use some cheering up. Can you come out with us tonight?" The positive reinforcement will challenge him to rise to the occasion, and the vote of confidence will make him feel needed.

or you could just play him this song.


to bella

there are few times in one's life where randomly, inexplicably we fall in love. i'm talking about connection, about meeting someone and just loving them. it's quite saddening that good friends are hard to come by, but whenever the stars align and and two smiles meet, an amazing friendship can be born.

a few years ago, i was working at a well known clothing store and this gorgeous girl, now a woman walked in, recently hired she was nice, sweet and very funny, and i fell in love with her. we hit it off that first day, laughing like a pair of idioits in the back room while i was 'training' her. days, turned into weeks, and we talked about everything under the sun. i became one with her life as she kept me posted on her boyfriend problems, and family woes. months became years, and the memories became real as we talked, and talked and shared some more. upon her leaving the store, i felt as if i had lost a piece of me. but she surprised me and we kept in touch, i became an honory sri lankan as her mom fed me, her dad taught me their history, and i doned a sari to her brother's wedding. and although time sometimes seperated us, with one phone call, nothing seems to have changed.

i nicknamed her bella, because to me, she with her foul mouth, alcholic ways, and willingness to talk, she is truly beautiful.

i saw her on friday, after a few months and it was great being in her presence once again. it was such a good feeling knowing that, as usual we were loud and obnoxious, and surely aggravated someone with our laughing. and as usual we didn't care. at the close of the night, we had one of our most intimate moments, she with her earl grey and me sipping honey lemon, we sat in my car and had a hollywood dragg. " omg, i never thought i would be doing this with lamoi " i laughed.

bella, you are one of my closest friends, and i will always love and appreciate our friendship (no homo).


Read more... shuffle

>> 9.29.2009

i am a chronic ipod shuffler (that by the way is my ipod on my ingrid).

in my r&b groove song list i have only 407 songs, of which i may only listen to 107 well known, well loved songs by me. (as you can see it's on fantasia barrino. truth is... which i do not listen to.) i'll start my day, or my car ride by plugging it in, and routinely skip over the songs i don't know or really don't like and loudly singing (and dancing) to the songs i do know. yet of late i have made a pact with my evolution to listen to every song that plays, regardless of whether or not it's one i want to hear, and the results have been very pleasing. i have found so many songs that i now deem new favs, like sex 4 sugar.common, ego trippin. mya, and many more.

as i was driving home from school last night, rediscovering my love for music the thought hit me.
what if like an ipod we could shuffle life. skip over the undesireable situations, replay the moments we love the most, sometimes all night long (lol... if you know what i mean). and for those cirumstances we wish have never happened we could just hit delete, or uncheck to unsync. wouldn't life be incredibly grand? or would it? would we be satisfied living life on our terms?

similar to my rediscovery of my love for music, that thought helped me rediscover my love and appreciation for life. it reminded me that it's often in the hard, undesireable times of life where we are able to find our fav moments. okay, maybe 'fav' was pushing it .... our defining moments. the moments in which we stand back, look horribly puzzled and realize that 'this is life', the times we found our strength, our voice, our will to stand, stay, or simply walk away. our loves, our hates, and our and more importantly who we are, cause as poetry guy put it last night, "those are the things that have made you who you are."

life, as with music was made to discover and to enjoy. songs that meant nothing to us yesterday, could be the anthem of our tomorrow... as with life. we go through crap today, so we are able to smile, laugh, and dance tomorrow, while bopping our knowledge to the songs that helped us get through it all.

i thank hot ingrid, for helping me contemplate life in a new way. i am on a journey of discovery, and life via music (unshuffled) will no doubt help me get there.

here in one of my new favs....

luv above


from severence pay to life golden

>> 9.28.2009

life sure is funny when you really sit down and think about it. i've begun to say that life sometimes makes a fool of you. but when life gives you lemons, make lemon cake (kb).

today i went by my now former work place to sign my severence papers and to return my keycard. on the way there, i found myself mentally preparing for the ordeal. i kept thinking to myself ' i don't want to see anyone (other than my gurl obomanique) ', not because i was ashamed of being let go, but i just wanted to get done what had to get done... sever. close that chapter and move the hell on. i had given them one year and 8 months of my life, and now that that chapter was closed, i wanted to sever myself and start over.

walking into the building i felt all percieved anxiety flee, i felt so good, and so free, like i didn't care who i saw or who saw me, i was literally soaring on my butterfly wings. paper work done, i said my goodbyes to mel & ina in hr, chatted with obomanique & prissy and i soared out those doors. what a breath of fresh air to be severed. it's not as painful as one might think, to be severed.

we should sever more often. have a time of severence in which we evaluate the circumstances, and situations in our life, where we look at the people who occupy our time and weigh their benefits, and we should sever. begin with a clean slate. live our life burden free.
we should love it when life forces us to sever, and soar out on golden butterfly wings. for life is a journey, and along the way we have to leave the crap and continue on with the valuables. like values, excellent friends, good education, beneficial circumstances, and wicked self esteem, anything else...crap and shit, needs to be dumped in the ditch they rolled out of.

i will practice routine severence, and when i rise better than i was, my payment will come. and those named crap and shit will see me living my life like it's golden. cause i'm worth more than your shit stains.



ego trippin ::: mya

>> 9.27.2009

babe i'm sorry if i hurt your feelings, but you have to understand where i am coming from. you say my words hurt your feelings, well your words hurt my feelings too, going with flow isn't so easy... let's just kiss up and makeup okay... that is what we do best afterall.

one of my fav songs... this song is for you... enjoy.


black people love us

>> 9.26.2009

i was web browsing today, and found this random website that i have fallen in love with.

it is such a funny but true look at the relationships, well i should say the percieved relationships between white people and black people. anyways draw your own conclusions, but laugh while doing so.




honestly, i'm not a very honest person. from my youth i have perfected the art of lying, so much so that it even scares me how good i am at it. lying is my weakness (lying and men, but that's a different story). i have become so aware of my lying skills, that i live each day conciously trying not tell a lie, and that shit is hard. i have never realized how easy it is to let a lie slip out between my lips. i mean hella easy.

in the midst of my commitment to honesty, i have never wanted to be so honest in my life as i do now, it's funny, how we desire the strangest things at the most random times.

i want to be honest, and a big reason for that is i want my writings, my poetry, and my life to be as honest as possible. i am so fed up with feeling like i have to hide my true feelings, my true desires, my true self just because it will make someone feel uncomfortable. that someone mainly being me. i need to be uncomfortable if i am going to grow, if i am going to live anti-stagnant i need to expose my skeltetons, put some flesh on them and let them breathe. because decepetion begets complacency, and i'm standing up shouting 'bun that'.

butterflies don't lie, no matter where they are, and what situations they find themselves in, their true colors always shines through, they always fly, and never hide their wings. i can no longer hide my wings either.

so here is my renewed commitment to honesty. honesty to myself, and to the world.


" so, i think your gorgeous "

>> 9.25.2009

it's funny how life and dare i say fate, turns on you. flips you the bird and laughs at you.

on wednesday i found out that i had been laid off from my job at a well known Insurance Co. OMG.... i sat on my bed in disbelief as my manager told me i was being terminated effective today.... and then i cried. not tears of pain, and anger, because i was expecting it, but tears of sadness because i would miss the few people i enjoyed working with. in the midst of my tears, i thought ' this is the worst time ever right now ', as i was just starting to go back to school, and planning on moving out next year. i was just starting to find myself. at 26 i am starting to find myself.

just a few hours after a wicked night of music and poetry, in which i shared a part of my soul, and got amazing feedback, i was told that i was being terminated. i must confess my first reaction was to curl up my butterfly wings and force myself back into my coccoon, but than i remembered what a very nice guy said to me as he waited (not so patiently) to talk to me during intermission..." so, i think your gorgeous ".

and then i cried tears of joy. amd i thank KW for terminating me, because now i can really find myself. at 26 i can really find myself. i can go after what i want, and do what i want. i am gorgeous, not only physically, but my light shines brightly from the inside and that's what is important to me.

that same night, E! told me i reminded him of a butterfly.... and like the butterfly, i will fly through the pollution, i will not conform, but i will adapt. this is survival of the fittest, and i have been working out my wings. i will fly around the middle fingers of life, and turn laughs into ohh's and awe's. and even in the darkness my bright ass colors will shine through. because i am 26, gorgeous and finding myself.

i am a butterfly, no longer having caterpillar dreams, but flexing my wings... to the world.


>> 9.23.2009


sex 4 sugar:::common

>> 9.18.2009


high hopes..?

>> 9.17.2009

it's funny, i started this blog with such high hopes of being curled up on my bed, chaos around me, yet locked into the serentity that is sharing. i was looking forward to sharing every intimate and random detail of my life, but alas, i've fallen off my bed and my fingers feel broken.

broken by fear, broken by expectations, broken by people that i know, but that don't know me... you know, i mean really know me.

broken by the need to lie cause the truth will be too painful to hear.....

i thought that writing was my bandaid. but writing seems to get me in trouble cause i don't want to answer questions of 'who was that about', or 'what did that mean', 'why did you write that'... you know why, cause i did damn it. if i want to share the meanings of my words than i will, but until then please ask me NO questions.

just let me write. let me breathe unrestricted, no more fingers squeezing my inhale, no more hands blocking my exhale. just let me breatheeeee.

so as i sit curled on my bed, as the chaos rides my back, please allow me to find the serenity that is sharing. cause i want to share with you.



love & hate

>> 9.12.2009


poetry slam winner: sept 6, 09

>> 9.07.2009

last night was the 7th annual toronto international poetry slam, masterminded by dwayne morgan. needless to say it was wicked. held at the kathedral (soo 8mile), it was dingy, skecth and filled with people young and old appreciative of the art called poetry. words were flying, thoughts and opinions were going forth intended to make one laugh, cry, and be inspired to change and create change. while i was sitting there, i couldn't wait for next year, cause truss next year that will be me on that stage, flinging out my words and allowing them all to feel my heart beat.
here is the winner who also won the title 5 previous times.

jamaal st. john's winning piece.... we can all see why he won!


working title - poem

>> 9.03.2009

you asked me ever so boldly if i have ever written a piece about you, i told you i have but you'll probably never know it was about you.... well here it is.

working title

I can hear your heartbeat
it fills the space you left behind....

Empty rooms like tombs still carry the scent of your smile

Such a sad goodbye as I walked away
determined to never turn back again,
the universe heard your cry and the stars called out my name,
shooting behind me, pixie dust in my hair...
but my ears were closed
my skin waxed cold at your touch
my lips retreated when yours came near,
out of fear, out of hate, who knows love.
Such a sad goodbye as you walked away....

And now your heartbeat
fills the space you left behind.


love of my life: erykah badu & common..... fans, friends, artists

>> 9.01.2009

feeling this song heavy... like the rains of jamaica on the plains of my mind.

one of my favorite pieces by ms erykah badu


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