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do you see me? - poem

so i've been up for about 2 weeks now. i never feel so vulnerable as i do when i am in this state..... sleepless, dreamless, and pissed...lol. people ask me 'are you ok'? and i tell them 'no'. they ask me what's wrong, and i try to explain it, but it's not something people understand, i mean how can i explain to someone why i was crying because i couldn't keep the cold side of the bed, or that it took me 5 min to remember how to spell 'the'. shit! i need to sleep. i'm crazy when i don't sleep for a period of time. i tried explaining it to poetry guy, and i felt like he made it smaller than it was.. ' well promise me you'll get some sleep '. believe me if it was that easy, i wouldn't be here writing about it. but i've come to realize that somethings you have to go through alone, because no one understands, and no matter how much they try, they won't. stayed home today because it has started to affect my job, trying not to go anywhere, because i'm falling asleep at the wheel almost side swiped a truck coming home tuesday night(morning). i can feel myself breaking down.... i can see myself, and i'm different. it might take me a while to come back from this.

Do you see me?

Open your eyes and look closely,

Stare past the beauty and glare at the ugly

Can you embrace the scars, the tears, the hate

Can you tenderly kiss the cuts i create in the dark?

I’ve fallen and scraped my knees many a time,

my emotions don’t fit perfectly in reason and rhyme

I’m messy,

even in my calm the sky is midnight blue...

I lay curled on my floor, wishing for eternity to end,

Fingering the silver blade, arguing with the voices in my head.

And i rarely win,even when i do,

i lose

Will i lose you?

Will you give up and lose love lost?

Should i give up on me as you give up on you?

Or can love exist in the midst of silent chaos?

Do you see me?

Petals of red find the darkness amidst starch white

Call for me where the darkness meets the light

Gaze at the ugly, discover the beauty

And i will be yours.

And we will win.

.kisses.

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poetry girl ::: eric benet

thank you to E! for thinking of me, and sending this song.

poetry guy once told me, a big part of his attraction to me is because i am a writer, more specifically a poet.... i wonder if i stopped writing if he would stop calling.

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love

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stay - poem

Eyes glazed over gazes on the ground
The stench of loneliness has overwhelmed
The smell of fear a long time ago.
And the wings of silver tipped butterflies fill the empty pages
with empty dreams, and breathing lies.

Echoes of mocking words invade the privacy of my thoughts
And I scream, but like the tree in the forest no one hears
No one ever hears, because I am in a crowd of one.
Me, myself and ……I am alone.

I contemplate it one more time, as time hangs in the balance,
a selfish end to an unlived life?
I imagine family and friends weeping
Crying to God for the answer
I too have searched for that answer, still searching….
“God?”
I inhale the bittersweet breathe of life

Sparkling diamonds litter the floor
And in amazement I pick one up
Brokenness has never looked so true
Lost in the shattered shards of beauty,

Surrounded by rainbows,
One tear escapes me,
The pain envelopes me,
As the red redemption drains me
I exhale

And in that moment
Hanging between heaven and hell,
One word

Stay.

.kisses.

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hollywood dragging - poem

here i am at 2:05 am fiending... damn it.... i always said this would never, could never be me.... but life sure has a way of making a fool out of you....

hollywood draggin’

poisonous bright lights, dark nights
and slim whites consume my being,
as I send up a flame, two, three clicks
my hand cold in comparison to the glory
seen in orange, yellows and blues,
my hand shaking, shielding it’s fragility from the wind
signaling to time, that it’s time to slow down
and let me sustain my sanity, let me breathe.
I inhale deeply, close my eyes and roll my neck
as I suck and puff out my being

cares important just a while ago now erupt in delicately shaped smoke,
music notes, and mental flows provoke thoughts
which think outside of thoughts provoked in the midst of this serenity
life’s contemplations flow freely, and ramble through holes in the sky
as my mind rambles, deliberations tripping over each other to escape
the shambles of the mundane everyday life, ideas waiting to be discovered
butterflies silver winged, land on bounded silver wings
and serenade silver streams flowing from lips that speak poetry,
lips that blow golden flecks into a shaded sky, acting like shooting stars
as it swirls to my feet, giants to the streets.

I inhale deeply as the relaxation of time speaks to me…
minutes become hours as each second draws me nearer to completion
In this instant, serenely saluting the sky, throwing up peace signs
clouds not created by I float by and become creatures
seen only when my imagination is let loose to bombard reality with what it should be
hollywood draggin’, I am forced to exhale, forced to cough,

and with silver tears in my eyes I stand and
watch my thoughts escape me to find a desire worthy embracing.
accomplished I flick my muse to the side hoping it sparks a fire
catching a passerby on fire, creating a bonfire as bright as life itself
burning through concrete, and selfish human consciousness
burning to a core so that the reflection imbedded in the flame will never die.

and so I continue hollywood draggin’, out of need, out of responsibility,

out of selfish motivation....
I stand under the poisonous bright lights, encirculed by the dark nights,

I allow the slim whites to consume my being.

08.19.2009

.kisses.

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butterflies - poem

this day last week was my first open mic performance at the trane studio, a wicked spot in enviable downtown toronto. i was nervous, shaking, and fiending for a hollywood dragg, but when he called my name, i walked up, smiled, blinked in the glaring light and changed the course of my life forever. so in tribute of that moment, here is the poem i shared....

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addicted.to.you....

i have an addictive personality, it has taken me a while to come to terms with it, but i recognize that now. and i also recognize that i am addicted to poetry guy....lol. addicted to his eyes, beautiful eyes, addicted to his smile, the feel of his ear between my fingertips, the texture of his hair on my palm. i'm addicted to his body, to his touch, to the way he calls me baby... damn it. he makes me mad as hell, i could walk away, but when we are not together my world feels messed the hell up. i am addicted. to. you.

.kisses.

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why did i see the sunrise? hidden - poem

it is 7:03 am and i am still awake.... and sick. for those who do not know me, i am a chronic insomniac, been dealing with it for about 10 years now, i thought i had defeated it, and that the madness was over.... but now i know that is what it wanted me to think. and now it is 7:04 am and i am still awake.... and still sick. eric benet serenading me, my snails relaxing, and my mind is running wild and rampant.... and my mind rests on the absence of light.
the darkness doesn't scare me, i know people say that evil hides in the dark, but the dark can also bring a peace, serenity, an escape from the harsh lights and noises of movement. even when sleep doesn't come, darkness settles you down and allows you to think, to recollect the day, all you did wrong and all you did right. in the darkness i think about life, and love, i write a lot in the darkness, and the words calm me down... sometimes i am able to fall asleep after i write, i daydream in the darkness and find my release in the darkness.
don't always run from the darkness, be aware of it, don't be naive to it, and in some cases embrace it.... you will be very surprised to see what comes alive.

hidden

i breathe at night.

although the light shines where lilies grow

i stay hidden in the darkness among roses

with diminished beauty, thorns tearing at paled flesh as i run

as far away as possible from the secrets revealed in the light.

hidden i hold my secrets, control my secrets,

emotions held close to the rapid beating of my heart

speaking my truth only to the stars,

i breathe in air breathed only in the dark.

wearing my fear as a protection

from the cold of pain, i strain against the wind pushing me into the

revealing illumination of unblinking eyes,

prying eyes, searching eyes, with pupils as black as night.

far from those eyes, I stay hidden

and hidden I breathe at night.

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my first post

my first post. what the hell am i supposed to say? i'm not as nervous now, to have a blog, although i am torn between reality and my world. in reallity, i know i can't say whatever i want to say, however i want to say... is that okay with me... no, no it's not. i want to be able to write whatever i want to write. without any accountability, i want to speak freely, but that is only poosible in my world, and apparently i am the only one who lives there...lol. or so poetry guy tells me. so in an attempt to converge both worlds together, i will share with you my poetry, my truth, my words, my loves, and my ecstasy's. i do hope you enjoy, i do hope it makes you feel good, and above all i do hope you are able to make a trip to my world, maybe then i won't feel so lonely.

.kisses.

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