nablopomo: in the words of weezy f. baby

...'i'm an alien'
laymans terms, i'm an artist.
i'm a writer.
i've known i was different since i was a little girl, rocking bubbles and clips. my mind has always operated on a different level than those around me. not saying better, just different, the way i would use and view words, the visuals that words would bring to me, and the way i felt when absent from my one true love. people told me i wasn't normal.

as i got older, and up until recently it hit me, and i understood. people who are in love with their art, who live breathe, and die entangled in their art function in a seperate reality. they don't live like everyone else does, often called 'crazy', some become hermits, some take drugs to numb the pain of their brilliance, some go as far as to take their own life. masterpieces aren't created while 'sittin up in their room', masterpieces are created through glazed eyes, staring blankly out of a window, counting the black stars in their white sky. pictures are painted staring past what the eyes see and dredging up the soul. music is created from places some people may never reach. artists live inside their head, they function off of what makes sense to them, and honestly this reality sucks! when i am expierencing a writer's block i am unable to function, i can't breathe this air, it smells stale to me, i yearn to be in my seperate reality. that's where i feel at home, that's where my world is MY world, and that's where everything makes sense. give me a white sky with black lines woven in between the clouds, give me a hot pink pen and set me free.

i'm not saying i'm brilliant, but i can relate to the love of none other but my art, i'm also saying.....set me free. sometimes i wish this reality would just let go of me. i've been seduced by the death of life...the art of words, and i don't want to come back.

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monsters and pussy juice

held captive by a sleep discursive i sigh heavily.
laboured breathing accompanies my audible disturbance as the mink covering my nude body save for a pair of white leopard print panties is slowly pulled away from me, offering my body a rememberance of warmth while allowing the chilly air to begin licking.
it licks first my breasts as my nipples stand up, looking around for the intruder. they ache as if warning me of the impending violation and are quicky silenced, hushed by the flick of your tongue.

i run away from monsters and dragons while you drag your fingertips through my curls, black as night and red as fire...fire... you glance down at the fire hiding in my pussy... and... you...
kiss... my eyelids.
kiss...my cheeks.
nibble on my ear lobes, perfect in the soft moon light.
caress my neck as you tenderly chew on my vein searching for red.
i gasp, as the monster bites me, you look up not alarmed, but aroused, for you have studied my sleep patterns, and i am yours tonight.

you pour wax from the vanilla scented candle onto my skin, a trick i taught you once before. your fingers knead my body as your fingers need my body but you refuse to submit to your dragon as he roars hidden beneath linen and will. intent on journeying to my valley, you slide your tongue down my left leg, circling the scar oddly beautiful now. so careful to leave your mark on each of my toes, one by one you feed your stomach chocolate syrup while whispering tall tales to my feet. the sounds of your stomach growling threaten to ruin the mood, but you continue, and make your way up my right leg. my body begins to tense, and the closer you get to your prize is the sweeter the smell. inhaling you refuse to exhale, letting the smell transfer into a taste in your mouth, and for a minute you keep it there.

lightheaded and focused, licking your lips you dive in.

in a flurry of  teeth, tongue, fingers, clit, and lips you meander through my pussy, exploring the beautiful sight and colours of such a magnificent creation. as if in a trance your finger covered in wet writes me a promise and a curse on the inside of my being, and as my river begins to flow you quickly grab your cup........

standing back, satisfied for the moment you fondly look down at my body still unaware of the violation, a smile forms on your face, and stomach grumbling you put the cup to your lips.....

.kisses.

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working title - poem

you asked me ever so boldly if i have ever written a piece about you, i told you i have but you'll probably never know it was about you.... well here it is.

working title

I can hear your heartbeat
it fills the space you left behind....

Empty rooms like tombs still carry the scent of your smile

Such a sad goodbye as I walked away
determined to never turn back again,
the universe heard your cry and the stars called out my name,
shooting behind me, pixie dust in my hair...
but my ears were closed
my skin waxed cold at your touch
my lips retreated when yours came near,
out of fear, out of hate, who knows love.
Such a sad goodbye as you walked away....

And now your heartbeat
fills the space you left behind.

.kisses.

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do you see me? - poem

so i've been up for about 2 weeks now. i never feel so vulnerable as i do when i am in this state..... sleepless, dreamless, and pissed...lol. people ask me 'are you ok'? and i tell them 'no'. they ask me what's wrong, and i try to explain it, but it's not something people understand, i mean how can i explain to someone why i was crying because i couldn't keep the cold side of the bed, or that it took me 5 min to remember how to spell 'the'. shit! i need to sleep. i'm crazy when i don't sleep for a period of time. i tried explaining it to poetry guy, and i felt like he made it smaller than it was.. ' well promise me you'll get some sleep '. believe me if it was that easy, i wouldn't be here writing about it. but i've come to realize that somethings you have to go through alone, because no one understands, and no matter how much they try, they won't. stayed home today because it has started to affect my job, trying not to go anywhere, because i'm falling asleep at the wheel almost side swiped a truck coming home tuesday night(morning). i can feel myself breaking down.... i can see myself, and i'm different. it might take me a while to come back from this.

Do you see me?

Open your eyes and look closely,

Stare past the beauty and glare at the ugly

Can you embrace the scars, the tears, the hate

Can you tenderly kiss the cuts i create in the dark?

I’ve fallen and scraped my knees many a time,

my emotions don’t fit perfectly in reason and rhyme

I’m messy,

even in my calm the sky is midnight blue...

I lay curled on my floor, wishing for eternity to end,

Fingering the silver blade, arguing with the voices in my head.

And i rarely win,even when i do,

i lose

Will i lose you?

Will you give up and lose love lost?

Should i give up on me as you give up on you?

Or can love exist in the midst of silent chaos?

Do you see me?

Petals of red find the darkness amidst starch white

Call for me where the darkness meets the light

Gaze at the ugly, discover the beauty

And i will be yours.

And we will win.

.kisses.

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why did i see the sunrise? hidden - poem

it is 7:03 am and i am still awake.... and sick. for those who do not know me, i am a chronic insomniac, been dealing with it for about 10 years now, i thought i had defeated it, and that the madness was over.... but now i know that is what it wanted me to think. and now it is 7:04 am and i am still awake.... and still sick. eric benet serenading me, my snails relaxing, and my mind is running wild and rampant.... and my mind rests on the absence of light.
the darkness doesn't scare me, i know people say that evil hides in the dark, but the dark can also bring a peace, serenity, an escape from the harsh lights and noises of movement. even when sleep doesn't come, darkness settles you down and allows you to think, to recollect the day, all you did wrong and all you did right. in the darkness i think about life, and love, i write a lot in the darkness, and the words calm me down... sometimes i am able to fall asleep after i write, i daydream in the darkness and find my release in the darkness.
don't always run from the darkness, be aware of it, don't be naive to it, and in some cases embrace it.... you will be very surprised to see what comes alive.

hidden

i breathe at night.

although the light shines where lilies grow

i stay hidden in the darkness among roses

with diminished beauty, thorns tearing at paled flesh as i run

as far away as possible from the secrets revealed in the light.

hidden i hold my secrets, control my secrets,

emotions held close to the rapid beating of my heart

speaking my truth only to the stars,

i breathe in air breathed only in the dark.

wearing my fear as a protection

from the cold of pain, i strain against the wind pushing me into the

revealing illumination of unblinking eyes,

prying eyes, searching eyes, with pupils as black as night.

far from those eyes, I stay hidden

and hidden I breathe at night.

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