late night ramblings on truth

i love truth, and honesty. as you can tell (if you are a regular reader), i try to be as honest with myself as i can, which is a big feat for me, because as i stated before i am not a very honest person.

i really am not. i can tell a lie like no one's business, and more often than not i get away with it too. but life has a funny way about it, and a few years ago, i decided to embrace honesty. and i've embraced it to the fullest. it hasn't been easy (let me tell you), but this is one time when my stubborness works in my favor. and the reason for my turn around is this... i was accosted by the truth.

and the truth was this... 'when you come in contact with something you deem to be true, you are now accountable to that truth'. there it is was. so simple, so big, and so life changing. let me break it down so even my blonde self can fully grasp it... when i hear something or realize something that my soul (my will, my intellect and my emotion) agrees with, i am now held to that truth, and i have to make a choice whether or not to live my life denying that truth, or embracing that truth.

if for my whole life i was taught that the sky is red,

and one day i wake up, look to the sky and i see the

most wondrous velvet blue, and my soul

(will, intellect and emotion) identifies that the sky is blue,

i now have to decide, 'do i live as if the sky is still red,

or do i embrace the truth and live as if it is blue'.

these are a few truths that i have come across for myself...and what i now live my life by.

truth #1 : happiness must always be the bottom line. i see people living miserable ass lives, just because they compromised on their happiness, and i determined within myself that happiness will always be my goal. at the end of the day, i must can look at my life and fall asleep content. anything else is not an option.

truth #2 : words are life and words are death. everything that comes out of our mouth carries a tag, and can help us succeed, or bring us failure. words hurt more than stones, and words heal more than medicine. i have to be so careful what comes out of my mouth, knowing me you will come to realize i can be horribly, bitingly sarcastic, and i love to tease people... but even in jest words can do a lot of harm...i hate that truth!

truth #3 : the word friend has lost it's meaning. we don't even know what a true friend is, or the responsibilites it carries. when i find a friend, i only call them friend after i've fallen in love with their spirit.  and i love to fall in love with people's spirits, it's such a beautiful thing, because when you are tied to someone's spirit, the bond is that much stronger and more fulfilling. and it will come to be known that i am fiercely loyal... maybe annoyingly so...idk.

truth #4 : say what you mean, and mean what you say, everything else is just verbal diahhrea. you can drag your hand through it, trying to find some substance, but it will just be a pile of brown (or green)  watery shit in your hand. hence my quest for honesty... liars fail at life with this.

truth #5 : advancement and liberty can breed ignorance. not everything is a right. we have mistaken privilages for rights, and sometimes we need to shut the hell up and sit down.... children suing parents for grounding them from their 'toys' and the courts ruling in the rotten kids favor..what bloody the hell on earth?!

truth #6 : no one has life easy. many people like to believe that some people have life easy, so they can justify their crying of rivers. everyone goes through crap, life is unfair to everyone, mansion or street corner, we all go through something. sometimes i need to talk about it, as a therapy or as a means of encouraging someone else, sometimes i need to shut the hell up and move the hell on.

truth #7: someone, somewhere around the world is doing, thinking, pondering the exact same thing you are. this baffles my mind everytime i think on it. i am not alone, we are not alone. when i cry, someone is crying along with me, when i am happy, so is someone else...when i am getting the best head of my life, someone will be cumming along with me (had to throw that in there). we are never alone.

truth #8 : God does not put up with fuckery. very rarely do i talk about my past life, and i have my own reasons for that, but i grew up in the church, i was basically born at the altar, i was even getting ready to go into full time minstry, so when i do talk about it, i know exactly what i'm talking about. it pisses me off, when people act like God is a damn idiot, like he's grinning all up and down your shit. news flash, he's not, and as much as that is not my life anymore, i know better than to act like me and God are batty and bench, and go disrespecting him, acting like a damn fool. and i'm not going to hide behind the all too played out "don't judge me" crap, because truthfully if my actions do not match up with my words, someone should call my ass out...hence truth#4

truth #9 : love conquers all. i am a hopeless romantic, who has had her heart broken many times, but i will always believe in love. the love of life, the love of endurance, the love of awareness and self acceptance, the love of peace, joy and happiness, the love of believing. love conquers all.

the truth hurts. it has hurt me many a times, but only because it has challenged me to grow up, to change the way i think and to enhance my quality of life. so pursuit of this life, i will continue to embrace honesty, truth and the challenges that come with it. and really, i love the velvety blue of this sky much better.

.kisses.

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'tis the season

‘tis the season, for bustle, hustle, gifts, food, family, friends, and love.

i’m not one to celebrate christmas as it is widely celebrated and accepted, it’s been about 2 years since i’ve stopped, but that doesn’t mean i don’t find joy in the happiness of the season.

so in celebration of this joyous time, i hope for you all joy, peace, happiness, awareness, kisses, affectionate glances, cake, icing, hope and laughter. may faith and trust find you well, and may you strive to be different from the norm and create your own traditions with those you love.

that is what i love about the seasons of life, we are able to make our own traditions, to veer of the path and be unique in our celebrations. i don’t celebrate christmas, but i indulge in the giving, the loving, the selflessness, the pride, the passion and the hope of the season. i indulge myself in those around me daily which on one hand takes away from the special-ness of the time, but on the other hand it adds to it...uhmmmm...weird.

kisses to all of you, enjoy the pain of a long held smile on your face and eat some ice cream (and rum cake)for me.

'if you have something to do, someone to love and something to hope for, everyday becomes a celebration'

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today is the day for great sex

a few weeks ago on twitter (truthfully it could have been a few days ago, because twitter time makes real time look weird) the trending topic was #in2010. and as most trending topics go, i was being my smart ass self, (#in2010 i will have more great sex often....i promise), but i had a moment in which it caught me and really made me think.

what if 2010 never comes? what if i am the unlucky bugger to choke on my apple pie and ice cream? (yumm). all my big dreams and aspirations for the stroke of midnight and beyond will never come true. damn it! i want to have great sex more often now!

#in2010 i will say more of what i want to and not care about the response
expectations suck! #in2010 i will live life with no preconcieved notions. whatever happens, be it happiness or pain happens.
.......#in2010 big dicks only!
#in2010 i will still not go to the gym
#in2010 i will have more sex in public places

really?

why wait until i kiss a lover or a random stranger amidst tears, laughter and flowing alcohol to take a new direction in my life. what about today? these few days before new years are just as good as any to live and live life more abundantly. that is something i took from my christian upbringing, to live life to the fullest every day, because you may not be blessed with a tomorrow. yeah some people need the added motivation of something to look forward to, something to push towards, and i get that, and being the natural encourager i am i will be there helping them push, but for me, i need to look forward to today, today i will say more of what i want and not care about the response, today i will live life with no preconceived notions, today i will accept big dicks only. today i will apply my mottos of life, because today is worthy

i am determined that 2010 will not be my starting point, it will be my continuation. anything i want to change, add, delete, or enhance, i will do that today, because living an abundant life is not waiting for the big bang, it’s not waiting for permission to start over, it’s taking each minute as it comes and living the shit out of it.

and that moment, the moment in which my smart ass self settled down and pondered, is exactly the moment i needed. i’ve allowed myself to get so lazy since i lost my job, when i know i have things to accomplish, dreams to live out and places i want to go, and i could wait until the stroke of midnight to start, but today looks too damn good to pass up.

life motto: i have dreams. but my dreams aren't worth shit unless they become my reality. i have fears... damn right i have fears! but my fears propel me to make a fool of my insecurities. life is not life, unless life is lived. fuck my fears, i'm gonna live! dreams, meet my reality

‘......to live the greatest number of good hours is wisdom’ ralph waldo emerson

.kisses.

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the p*ssy beggar: laycocking at it's finest.

i was asked to do a guest blogger post for candydiaries.com , please check it out and leave your kisses at her door. let me know if you have ever been in that situation, and if you can relate. here is a snippet of what i had to say...

Laycock: v. the act of begging for sex. “So when you gonna cum lay with me?”

Being a strong minded woman, who knows what she wants, especially when it comes to sex, I’m all for men being dominant and assertive. The kind of man who has no qualms about telling me exactly what he wants, and that his want is me, not in the dutty, feel up my ass and attempt to brush up against my boobs way, but the eyes locking, hair tingling, “I want to make you feel good”, smooth bedroom voice way.
But there seems to be a new breed of man, infiltrating the scene, the type of man we may all be able to relate to, the pussy beggar.... continue reading here
 
.kisses.

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nablopomo: music, life and blogging

i'm done!
like seriously i'm really done!
this november blogging challenge is over, and i've made it....tired and with hurting brain cells, but i made it nonetheless. a big kiss to kween, who accepted the challenge, and to butterfly effect who also accepted but was unable to finish for extraneous reasons. both of these women i have come to respect and admire, and i'm glad we did this together.

throughout this month, i let you in on what songs impacted my life and why. music is a huge part of my being, and i hope you learned somethings about me. thank you for reading, taking part in my memories and leaving me your kisses.

soo, to celebrate this milestone i will divulge more info about me...lol.
thank you to butterfly effect for sending me these 10 questions as the challenge winner for guessing the meaning of "hollywood draggin" correctly (which was smoking. i was a benson and hedges super slims smoker for a month of my precious life).

1. Do you believe in God?
i do. both of my parents are pastors and i was brought up in the church, and was very active in ministry ready to be a fulltime minister. i'm now considered a backslider however, i've stopped living in the way i was brought up to the pain of my parents.

2. What is your happiest memory as a child?
 i must say it was being a daddy's girl. my father and i have had a strained relationship since i was 13. but before that i was soo in love with my daddy, and i miss that.

3. How do you feel about President Obama now that he's been in office for a while?
i must admit i'm not one to follow politics, and when i do i follow what's going on at home.

4. If you could go back in time and change anything, what would it be?
i would change soo many things, one being dropping out of university. i didn't get to go to the school i wanted, hence i had to change my major. i couldn't take it anymore, and the financial strain on my parents was a lot so i dropped out.

5. What is your dream job?
if i could sleep and get paid, that would be it! for real though to write for a living, or to share my poetry for a livng would be absolutely perfect!

6. What would be your dream vacation?
i have always dreamed about going to visit all the concentration camps, even before going away to the usual hot countries, or to the mother land, i guess it's the jewish in me.

7. What is your favorite color?
hot pink, black, and poetry.

8. Why do you choose to be anonymous?
no stealth reason, but i find that when people know who you are they can get too comfortable and too familiar with you, which is not always a bad thing, but it's not something i want right now.

9. Are you in debt? If so, how much?
the only debt i have is my unpaid balance on my credit card. $245.00. i've seen my parents live and struggle with debt and i've promised myself that, that will never be me.

10. What is your favorite meal?
i'm such a typical jamaican...LOL. my fav meal is bully beef (corned beef cooked down) and white rice.

.kisses.

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nablopomo: you can't start a fire sittin around crying from a broken heart

my musical upbringing has been completely ecclectic thanks to my father, a country born jamiacan who was never really into reggae, but give him some elvis presley, the boss, conway twitty, al green, the beatles, abba, and he's good. i grew up listening to all of that, and i love all of that.

my musical playlist includes hip hop, r&b, 80's rock, 60's-70's music, reggae, rock and roll, counrty western, contemporary, and jazz ( i love me some jazz). i am grateful for the wide range in my musical fav's, i think it has made me a well rounded person, and even though i get strange looks and snickers when i start singing along to blondie, or bonnie tyler, my world is wider and i'm a better person for it.

here is a song that anywhere it plays i will drop everything i am doing to sing, and dance along. (i remember when i was in the mall with smooth and we were walking like the sexy couple we were, this song came on, and i became karoke queen up in that spot, fake mic and everything...LOL...poor smooth) *feel free to insert snicker here.*

i can relate to the boss (bruce springsteen) when he says..(all from memory)

stay on the streets of this town/ and they be carving you up alright/

they say you gotta stay hungry/ hey baby i'm just about starving tonight/

i'm dying for some action/ i'm sicka sittin here round here trynna write this book/

i need a love reaction/ come on baby gimme just one look/

you can't start a fire/ sittin round crying from a broken heart/

this gun's for hire/ even if we're just dancing in the dark/

you can't start a fire/ worrying about your little world falling apart/

this gun's for hire/ even if we're just dancing in the dark./

i have to stay hungry, the minute i become complacent where i am, life is no longer worth living. i need action, i write better in the midst of chaos, keep the drama to yourself, but nothing plus nothing equals a shit load of nothing!.
i need love.
the life i want will not happen for me if i moan and cry about my past sadness and my broken hearts, i have to let that shit go and press on to my future.
the life i need will not happen for me if i walk the path in fear of failure, so what if i fall, what if i fail, that should give me a reason to keep trying, to keep plugging at it, because one day i will not fail. my failures do not make me a failure, my willingness to give up does.
.
.kisses.

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my week in texts

: would you be down to touch yourself on the cam for me?

: funny thing is, there's things that pop in my mind to say to you, but i don't wanna be a apart of the men that seem to be currently pursuing you, lol, i'm serious.

: your so horney that i can hear it in your voice, i don't see see why you just don't cum check for me and done, unless you have another reason why that's a bad idea.

: the heart beat is the sound of life, it's joy, hope, fear, disappointment, pain, happiness and the power to dream, all the emotions that make us all....

: it was really to bring you to see how things run (the studio)... it may spark your juices, if it won't i will.

: your famous in my eyes ;)

: that's kool, i'm real proud of you 4 real, keep up the good work, keep bloggin. i meant everything i said in a im not your dad kinda way. 4 real keep it up!!

: there's this woman that sits next to me, i literally want to stab her with a rusty knife....omfg she fills the entire office with her negative stank ass energy and bad vibe ugh.

: crazy old lonely cat lady...she's always gwanin bout her 2 pussy cats... like STFU

: not playin with you, i'm being serious, i miss you being stupid wet for no reason...for real i miss the way your face looks when you sit on my dick for the 1st time, that shits sexy.

: nothing as long as it involves your presence, honestly just even kick it... i miss seeing your thick lips and cherry cheeks, been too long.

.kisses.

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nablopomo: i just want to be successful

a young boy sits on his stoop which overlooks the crowded street. not only crowded with people, and cars but it's crowded with dreams, egos, and faded memories.

images of silver and gold dances in his mind controlled by the buttons he pushes everyday at 5pm... i BET he sees cars, and flashy lights, sneaks fresh and clean bought with money he doesn't know how to work for, and women, beautiful as the day they were born as hoes, dancing along to the music which causes the chains to swing around necks below mouths spitting poisonous philosophies of greed.

that beautiful little boy thinks to himself. i want it all. what all is. he doesn't know, he can barely read or write, but he can jerk his ass of.

and jerk he does, jerks to the beats which fill his head and steals his mind. jerks his arms to take, incapable though of giving back. jerks his mamas heart as his focus goes from the power within to the power in man.

the whole time thinking. i want it all.

the first time i heard this song, i saw that little boy and it made me sad. don't get me wrong i love this song, it gets me hella emotional, and when it comes on the radio i turn it up, but it reminds me to look at my own definitions of success and it encourages me to teach the future what it means to be truly successful.

.kisses.

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dark dreams and dark desires

i recently saw 'law abiding citizen' starring gerrard butler and jaime fox. and it is an amazing movie. for the blood thirsty chick in me, dismemberment, and bombs does me good. the higher the body count the more i am satisfied. but i think i got too much satisfaction out of it. because when poetry guy and i walked out into the sunshine i said this.

"what he did makes complete sense to me"

and i wasn't even lying. for those of you that have not seen it, and intend to, leave now *spolier alert*. he (gerrard) was so black and white in what he did, and as twisted as it is, i could see his point. when his family was brutally murdered he was wronged by the justice system, and he wanted to teach it a lesson, kill everyone involved with the case. as simple as that. mind you, his point took the lead over his common sense in the end which is why his ass got napalmed, but he had a point nonetheless.

and it got me thinking, could i be as cold blooded as him? my mind is already quite black and white with very little room for the gray, and i pride myself on being able to shut off all feelings when needed to.

i watch a lot of crime drama, gruesome physcological films, and i am obsessed with true crime novels. i have gotten so used to the bloodbath, that i've always had fanstasies of taking a life. not out of anger, or self defense, but simply just to see what it felt like. (can you tell i watch too much tv). the thought of watching someone's life leave their body does not turn me on but it sparks my curiousity.

gerrard's character was always a killing machine, working as a spy killing those that could not be killed, but when his family was murdered, he friggin snapped, and literally shut down the city due to his murderous rampage. he racked up serious bodies. i'm not sure however what it will take me to kill someone.

how far do i need to be pushed? what's my breaking point?

should i even ponder it, especially in my dreams, and dark desires? at night i'm allowed to envision the blood and the fear, but in the light that's clearly not allowed. and that really is a good thing, because i'm not planning on taking a life, and the thought that i may be capable of it scares the shit out of me. why? because i'm the one always postive, always laughing, always willing to help those who need it. i love everyone, even those who are deemed unloveable, and i think no one deserves to have their life taken away by murder. but when the sunsets, and i settle in my bed, my mind wanders........

*i believe being honest, is being honest, even with the ugly, dutty parts of who you are, and this is pondered in all honesty.*

.kisses.

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one minute writer: nervous habits.

i don't do this often, only when i see a writing prompt that interests me, and this one hits very close to home so here goes.

what nervous habits do i have? i wouldn't call this a habit but more like a manifestation. one that i hate with a passion, and has made me very shy and afraid of public speaking. i have a speech impediment. when i get nervous (hysterical, pissed off) i may tend to stutter severly. which is why i think that me going up on stage to perform is an amazing feat i should never take lightly.

my mother said she did not notice my stuttering until i moved to canada at the age of 6. my life turned around drastically after that. i always had friends, and boyfriends and was always popular, but i was teased without mercy being called 'porky pig', (my family still makes fun of me) i used to pray and ask God 'to make me really pretty when i grew up, so no one would care what i sounded like'.

i had speech therapy for 2 years which helped but not really.

as i got older i learned how to control it. now most people can't even tell that i have a speech impediment, i talk very carefully and i have to think about what i need to say before i say it. which is why i find soo much freedom in writing, it literally sets me free from my constraints and betrayels of my speech. once i get comfortable with someone, it becomes more prominant, and to my surprise the men i date actually find it cute, which completely baffles me and makes me wanna gag, because i hate it with an unbelievable passion.

i am afraid for my children, hearing me stutter and thinking it's normal. it's a hard thing to live with, and it does a number on your self esteem, yeah i can hide it well, but i cringe alot inside when i talk. i'm shy, yet very outgoing, i smile alot, laugh alot, and i'm hella of a flirt, but not a moment goes by in which i think about not saying words with s', r's, and w's.

next time you want to make fun of someone who stutters. don't.

.kisses.

p.s. no i don't stutter during sex....LOL

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nablopomo: a dutty dutty dutty love

yay, my first nablopomo posting. here goes...

this song reminds me of someone i will call skinny jeans. (in fact many songs remind me of skinny jeans). i met skinny jeans the day he came from jamdown, and it was definite sparks at first sight. he was the only freshie i ever liked, and he was a sweetheart to boot. but i had a boyfriend wtih whom i was madly in love with, so skinny jeans never made it very far with me, despite his pleas in the sexiest voice filled with the sweet rollings of patois.

the fleeting moment he kissed me, it was like i was standing on the highest peak at dunns river falls with the hot tropical sun beating on my face. it wasn't love, it wasn't lust, it just was what it was.

when i hear this song, it brings me to place which looks like a dark night club filled with electricity from the movments of bodies holding and grinding on each other. the walls are bleeding with intensity and in the captured silence, in between deep breathes one can hear crickets moaning along. skinny jeans is standing behind me, one hand on my abdomen, stroaking what i want to be my kitty. i am slowly whining on him as he breathes and nibbles on my ear, his jamaican bred goodies finding a place in between the crack of my jamaican blooded ass.

do i wish something had happened between us, not really. we are good friends up until this day, and i would have it no other way. but there are moments when the air will fill my excitement with this song, and i take that moment to dream.

i will always love this song, and i will always have a special place in my heart for skinny jeans.
.kisses.

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another dose

i'm a queen and deserve to be treated as one.

court jesters and peasants need not apply.

.kisses.

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back to my roots.... mr. goudas

after much deliberation, i have decided to give up my vegetarian lifestyle. it's only been a year and a few months and as much as i loved every minute of it, i realized it was doing me more harm than good.

'yeah finally my prayers have been answered... so when do we go out to eat red meat'

going into this my doctor told me it was not a wise choice seeing that i have anemia (very very very low iron), and i thought to myself 'i can handle it', i did my research, and was completely gung ho, making the change not out of conviction, or pictures of slaughtered animals, but simply i had wanted a change.

but a lot has changed in a year and a few months, i have stopped cooking for myself which means that my healthy meals, and important supplements were not being eaten. i became very fatigued in my body and sluggish in my mind, despite keeping active and semi working out, i lost my (well paying job), and just an FYI maintaining a vegetarian lifestyle quite expensive, not to mention limiting.

@ Willy's Jerk 'no, no veggie dinners'.

going out to eat is always a challenge, and i sometimes felt bad being the picky girl, or the girl who ruined dinner plans because ' i'm sorry, i can't eat there'. my mom, from the beginning didn't really mind cooking meals for me, but granted it was challenging attending to my dietary needs as well as her family's...lol... when i told her, she was sooo happy.

is this regression permanent? i don't think so. i may go back once my body goes back to normal, and i start working again, but for now i am looking forward to my white rice and bully beef dinners.

.kisses.

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i'm feeling very horny today. reels of fantasies and dreams assault my sleep, and i want to touch myself again and agian and again. the smooth ride i gave myself earlier was nice, but ohhh i'm fiending for a flick against my clit. i'm craving (asl class) a hard dick, a bumpy ride and nice slowww whine. to be really honest i just need to get **laid***.

i even had a dream about being the other woman, much to Red's delight. read about it here. and it was such a juicy dream, him giving it to me in the back of his car, me holding on to his baby girls carseat. i woke up wet and ready to caress, but i held off.

"...you're like a man, u think bout sex like every 3 seconds" poetry guy... so yummy.

flicking through my phone i land on a pic that the cleveland indian sent me of his dick.... a few minutes and i come to the conculsion that i am unimpressed. however not before i think about taking him up on his offer " friends with benefits", except he has feelings for me, and undoubtdly would try to win my heart by rocking my world.

sigh, what's a horny freak to do? finger myself all day? for now i'll keep dreaming.

damn i miss Smooth.

.kisses.

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i thought i told ya....

it's funny. as creative as i am, i am a very technical thinker. very black and white (which annoys the hell out of some people)

*this morning as i was driving home, it began to rain, well sprinkle really, and it sprinkled what looked like stars on my windshield, and it reminded me of a thought i had a few months ago.*

i hate when people tell me things, just to make me feel better. our culture, and our society are full of little sayings that achieve that 'feel better' feeling.

'you can touch the sky'
'reach for the stars'
'the sky is the limit'

but really....contemplation brought me to this end: no matter how hard i try, i will never physically touch a star.

why is that in order to describe potential we use the physically impossible. granted these sayings may inspire someone, but have we ever stopped to think that it may not. telling someone they can do what they really can't do is not encouraging at all, because when the motivational high has wore off, and the high fives have all gone around, we are left with people trying to grab a piece of the blue falling off roof tops and office buildings, and failing each time. failure becomes the end result and our little sayings are shot to hell.

i want you to tell me what i can do. help me to see my potential is for something great. everyone has potential to be something great, no one is lacking, we are all so different and unique and i believe that we are not all accidentally here, but there is such a greater purpose to our lives.

but do not tell me that i can be whatever i put my mind to, loose screws will lay in a field barking like a dog intent on growing fur.

what i'm saying is realism doesn't always stop my dreams, it may help me see things clearer. reaching for the sky just gives me rain clouds and pollution, but reaching for the greatness inside will propel me to be all that i can truly be. a star..... shining when everything around me is dark. shining with purpose, and intelligence. shining with ambition, motivated by the other stars shining around me. shining simply because that is what i do. why reach for one when i have the potential to be like one. bright, boasty, and there for all to see.

imma star.
.kisses.

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do men ever forget?


what i felt like
what i tasted like
the way my ass bounced on the bed
the way it felt in between their teeth
the way i moaned at the first entry, eyes rolled back, nails leaving marks on their back
the way i made them feel good. i made them feel like men.
the way i talked to them and soothed their emotions after a long hard day.
the way i held their hand so their boys can see what they got.


why is it that when my life is going good, the men from my past always want to 'catch up'. clearly i've moved on if i am not the one calling you. now i must admit, there have been a few that have really made an impact on my life, and consequently have been hard to let go, but i've done it, i've moved on, kicking and screaming maybe, but i've moved on....

now i'm not trying to toot my own horn and declare that i am the shit (even though i am), but it just seems like men always want back in. now being a woman, and a naive one at that, i don't understand why.... is it out of boredom on their part, should i feel flattered or feel like a random number on a list of candidates? i've contemplated changing my phone number, but i never do it, i've had the same number for years, and until i get a bonafide stalker i probably never will.


but no matter what the reasoning for the random phone calls, texts, msn im's, i've moved on....so please do the same.


.kisses.

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lipstick and lube: the other woman

let me ask you a question. do i have 'the other woman' written on my forehead in lipstick and lube?

'so you want me to be your mistress?'

i met this guy, we'll call him Red. Red was smooth, very smooth. and a really nice guy, with a really nice smile. so me being the me that i am, walked smoothly over to Red and introduced myself.

'no i want you to be on my team. be my confidant...'

Red and i became fast friends, with an obvious sexual attraction breathing like that girlfriend who's always the 3rd wheel. lunchs, emails, we grew close.

'so you want me to be your chick?'

and then Red told me he was 'domesticated'... what the fuck? domesticated?! yes and with a beautiful child at home. at that very moment, my girlfriend became an annoyance and i told her we could no longer be friends.

'...appreciate the fact that i was real with mine'

months have gone by, and while Red and i have remained close, and have gotten closer, that line thick and yellow bears no smudges, no evidence of being crossed.

until he said after many months of me saying no...
'doesn't matter cause you know i still want you'

and the worst part about it.... i actually thought.... 'umm why not?'

hold up, i know why not! as much as i don't know wifey from eve, she's a fellow woman, a sister, someone who is in one or many ways just like me. what would i be saying to go behind a sister's back and be with her man? and aside from that 'karma is a bitch in a red dress' (la.moi).... enough said.

a couple of years ago, i would have thought nothing to be the other woman, i even fantasized about it, *playing devils advocate* there are benefits to being the other woman, one being that the relationship will go nowhere. the man will rarely to never leave his fam for the other woman, and that's what some women want, the freedom of the single life with the affections and perks of a relationship. and when it ends, a clean break (sometimes not so clean though, because someone is bound to catch feelings)

'...i ain't trying to put shackles on your feet'

'i think you should do it, just try it and see'

but i'm not one of those women anymore, i wouldn't feel comfortable knowing my good friend Red is loving on me, while the mother of his child is waiting for him to come home....smelling like me, his tongue tasting like me, his fingers still tracing me, his clothes sex funky.

Red, if you were really my friend, you would cherish me, is that all i am worth to you, the title of the other woman? giving it another name, (chick, girlfriend, ride ot die) will not change the meaning of the word... slut, homewrecker, whore, kept woman.

'not even... we down for life.... you already know i enjoy your company, creativity, and spunk...we goin get it in'

'ummm... why not?'

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another dose

"some people just are not meant to be your friends, and that's okay, it saves more room for those who are." la.moi

.kisses.

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here's to bad days

listless.

i had a bad day today. head down, eyelashes caressing my pillow. my heart is hurting and i'm trying to deal, but all i can do is cry, i hate crying. but that's all i'm doing.

listless.

i hear voices ... one voice, your voice, trying to console me, but it hurts more and i attempt to cut off my ears.

listless.

no words can comfort me, no songs can sing to me, no band aids can hide the wound, no pictures can have enough mumbles.

so listless i am. until i am listless no more.

until then
.kisses.

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another dose

"writing is for imaginations only." la.moi

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