from severence pay to life golden

life sure is funny when you really sit down and think about it. i've begun to say that life sometimes makes a fool of you. but when life gives you lemons, make lemon cake (kb).

today i went by my now former work place to sign my severence papers and to return my keycard. on the way there, i found myself mentally preparing for the ordeal. i kept thinking to myself ' i don't want to see anyone (other than my gurl obomanique) ', not because i was ashamed of being let go, but i just wanted to get done what had to get done... sever. close that chapter and move the hell on. i had given them one year and 8 months of my life, and now that that chapter was closed, i wanted to sever myself and start over.

walking into the building i felt all percieved anxiety flee, i felt so good, and so free, like i didn't care who i saw or who saw me, i was literally soaring on my butterfly wings. paper work done, i said my goodbyes to mel & ina in hr, chatted with obomanique & prissy and i soared out those doors. what a breath of fresh air to be severed. it's not as painful as one might think, to be severed.

we should sever more often. have a time of severence in which we evaluate the circumstances, and situations in our life, where we look at the people who occupy our time and weigh their benefits, and we should sever. begin with a clean slate. live our life burden free.
we should love it when life forces us to sever, and soar out on golden butterfly wings. for life is a journey, and along the way we have to leave the crap and continue on with the valuables. like values, excellent friends, good education, beneficial circumstances, and wicked self esteem, anything else...crap and shit, needs to be dumped in the ditch they rolled out of.

i will practice routine severence, and when i rise better than i was, my payment will come. and those named crap and shit will see me living my life like it's golden. cause i'm worth more than your shit stains.




luv la.moi

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honesty

honestly, i'm not a very honest person. from my youth i have perfected the art of lying, so much so that it even scares me how good i am at it. lying is my weakness (lying and men, but that's a different story). i have become so aware of my lying skills, that i live each day conciously trying not tell a lie, and that shit is hard. i have never realized how easy it is to let a lie slip out between my lips. i mean hella easy.

in the midst of my commitment to honesty, i have never wanted to be so honest in my life as i do now, it's funny, how we desire the strangest things at the most random times.

i want to be honest, and a big reason for that is i want my writings, my poetry, and my life to be as honest as possible. i am so fed up with feeling like i have to hide my true feelings, my true desires, my true self just because it will make someone feel uncomfortable. that someone mainly being me. i need to be uncomfortable if i am going to grow, if i am going to live anti-stagnant i need to expose my skeltetons, put some flesh on them and let them breathe. because decepetion begets complacency, and i'm standing up shouting 'bun that'.

butterflies don't lie, no matter where they are, and what situations they find themselves in, their true colors always shines through, they always fly, and never hide their wings. i can no longer hide my wings either.

so here is my renewed commitment to honesty. honesty to myself, and to the world.

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" so, i think your gorgeous "

it's funny how life and dare i say fate, turns on you. flips you the bird and laughs at you.

on wednesday i found out that i had been laid off from my job at a well known Insurance Co. OMG.... i sat on my bed in disbelief as my manager told me i was being terminated effective today.... and then i cried. not tears of pain, and anger, because i was expecting it, but tears of sadness because i would miss the few people i enjoyed working with. in the midst of my tears, i thought ' this is the worst time ever right now ', as i was just starting to go back to school, and planning on moving out next year. i was just starting to find myself. at 26 i am starting to find myself.

just a few hours after a wicked night of music and poetry, in which i shared a part of my soul, and got amazing feedback, i was told that i was being terminated. i must confess my first reaction was to curl up my butterfly wings and force myself back into my coccoon, but than i remembered what a very nice guy said to me as he waited (not so patiently) to talk to me during intermission..." so, i think your gorgeous ".

and then i cried tears of joy. amd i thank KW for terminating me, because now i can really find myself. at 26 i can really find myself. i can go after what i want, and do what i want. i am gorgeous, not only physically, but my light shines brightly from the inside and that's what is important to me.

that same night, E! told me i reminded him of a butterfly.... and like the butterfly, i will fly through the pollution, i will not conform, but i will adapt. this is survival of the fittest, and i have been working out my wings. i will fly around the middle fingers of life, and turn laughs into ohh's and awe's. and even in the darkness my bright ass colors will shine through. because i am 26, gorgeous and finding myself.





i am a butterfly, no longer having caterpillar dreams, but flexing my wings... la.moi to the world.

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hollywood dragging - poem

here i am at 2:05 am fiending... damn it.... i always said this would never, could never be me.... but life sure has a way of making a fool out of you....

hollywood draggin’

poisonous bright lights, dark nights
and slim whites consume my being,
as I send up a flame, two, three clicks
my hand cold in comparison to the glory
seen in orange, yellows and blues,
my hand shaking, shielding it’s fragility from the wind
signaling to time, that it’s time to slow down
and let me sustain my sanity, let me breathe.
I inhale deeply, close my eyes and roll my neck
as I suck and puff out my being

cares important just a while ago now erupt in delicately shaped smoke,
music notes, and mental flows provoke thoughts
which think outside of thoughts provoked in the midst of this serenity
life’s contemplations flow freely, and ramble through holes in the sky
as my mind rambles, deliberations tripping over each other to escape
the shambles of the mundane everyday life, ideas waiting to be discovered
butterflies silver winged, land on bounded silver wings
and serenade silver streams flowing from lips that speak poetry,
lips that blow golden flecks into a shaded sky, acting like shooting stars
as it swirls to my feet, giants to the streets.

I inhale deeply as the relaxation of time speaks to me…
minutes become hours as each second draws me nearer to completion
In this instant, serenely saluting the sky, throwing up peace signs
clouds not created by I float by and become creatures
seen only when my imagination is let loose to bombard reality with what it should be
hollywood draggin’, I am forced to exhale, forced to cough,

and with silver tears in my eyes I stand and
watch my thoughts escape me to find a desire worthy embracing.
accomplished I flick my muse to the side hoping it sparks a fire
catching a passerby on fire, creating a bonfire as bright as life itself
burning through concrete, and selfish human consciousness
burning to a core so that the reflection imbedded in the flame will never die.

and so I continue hollywood draggin’, out of need, out of responsibility,

out of selfish motivation....
I stand under the poisonous bright lights, encirculed by the dark nights,

I allow the slim whites to consume my being.

08.19.2009

.kisses.

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butterflies - poem

this day last week was my first open mic performance at the trane studio, a wicked spot in enviable downtown toronto. i was nervous, shaking, and fiending for a hollywood dragg, but when he called my name, i walked up, smiled, blinked in the glaring light and changed the course of my life forever. so in tribute of that moment, here is the poem i shared....

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